Sunday, April 10, 2016

// Weddings, Teenage Emotions & How Josh Turner is a Messenger From God //





  {I'm going to be honest here. This is heart-to-heart time with Emma. I don't do this a lot. But last night I was overflowing with so many emotions, and I needed to write. This is what happened.}


 :

     I didn't used to think I was an emotional person. I used to think I was strong; I had a will of iron that nothing could bend. I'd never need anything from anybody because I was so self-efficient. In fact, it is my belief that I was perfectly emotionally stable for the first sixteen years of my life. Then I turned sixteen...and just like that, I'm a wreck.

    Okay, okay, it probably wasn't that sudden. These things don't happen overnight. But I've definitely changed in the past few years. Suddenly I feel things differently. I'm more sensitive to what other people think of me. I actually care. And that kind of scares me, because I never used to this much.

    All this just proves my point that growing up is very hard. Isn't it? It is for me. Yes, it has its perks, of course, like being able to drive myself places and listen to the Hamilton musical without worrying how it's going to affect my brain. (Or...maybe I should be concerned. But that's a topic for another time. ;-P) Some days, being seventeen is AWESOME.

     Other days...completely lousy.

     I went to a wedding yesterday. A very nice wedding -- a lovely wedding, really. A friend of ours and her charming now-husband. All of it was beautiful -- the service (even though outside the little church was as cold as the arctic, as New York hasn't seemed to catch on that it's APRIL HELLO), the music, the people. I was happy for the couple, truly. And even though I didn't know a whole lot of the people there, I was trying to be sociable. Well, trying to try. (I'm an introvert and weddings ain't exactly my favorite thing to be caught in the middle of, but more on that later.) There was absolutely no reason for me not to be enjoying myself.

     And yet, sitting there at the reception afterwards, with the lights twinkling across the ceiling and people chattering all around me, I felt out of place. I felt drawn within myself, and utterly alone.

     Daniel Casson.:

Cut for a second...

     Can we just take a moment to talk about the plight of introverts in a world full of people?

     I'm an introvert. (Hello.) Yes, you've heard about me. I'm that person who would rather crawl into a hammock with a book than be at a party surrounded by people. I'm that person who doesn't know what to say in social situations where I actually have to talk to people. I'm that person who gets excited when plans are cancelled, who tries to get out of social functions as much as possible, who spends most of her time relatively alone and is more than okay with that.

    I've always been this way, I think, though it didn't used to be a problem when I was younger. because Nobody thinks anything of a toddler who suddenly burst out crying in public. That's what little kids do. But now I'm seventeen, and you expect a seventeen-year-old to be socially adept. You expect a seventeen-year-old to have friends, to be a social butterfly, to love hanging out with people, to have a full social calendar. Well, I don't. This used to be fine with me. But these days...these days I'm running into mountains that are getting harder and harder to climb.

     It's one thing to be introverted; it's quite another to be uncomfortable with it. Used to be, I was shy and reserved and okay with it. But lately, more and more, I feel awkward in my own skin. I feel like I need to get out of it; like I have to get over my shyness and pull myself up by my bootstraps and just DO THIS because it's stupid to be so introverted all the time. I don't want to be like this. I want to be different. The problem is...I can't.


     It wouldn't be so hard be if people understood, but they don't. They don't get what it's like to feel so suffocated in a room full of people that you feel about to burst into tears. They don't see why you wouldn't want to go to that party, or why you can't just be outgoing for once, or how scary it is to have to speak to people you don't really know. They say, why can't you do this, Emma? Why can't you just be normal, for once?

     Okay, some people sympathize. (And if you're an introvert too, let me just give you a big hug. I feel you.) But the truth is, we're a rare breed -- we're few and far between. People don't get us; some days, we don't get ourselves.

     Yesterday, at the wedding, I didn't get myself.

     As I stared at the ceiling, ears buzzing, a thousand voices railed inside my head. What's wrong with you, Emma? Can't you get out there and make some friends? Why do you always have to be like this? What are you afraid of?

     Because the truth is, I am afraid. I'm afraid of what people think. (There, I said it.) I don't want to be this way, but it's the way I am and I'm still looking for a way to get over it. I'm afraid of losing people -- I have had so many friendships that flourished for a season, or a day, or even just a few hours, that meant so much to me while they lasted but then fizzled out after we said goodbye. See, I'm afraid of being forgotten -- I still care, but they don't.

     I don't want to be forgotten.

I long to be remembered.

      :

     It's very hard to be remembered when you don't know quite how to make yourself known.

     Now, calm down Emma. Just because you're stuck with this personality quirk or whatever you want to call it doesn't mean you're doomed to a life alone. Of course not. I have friends. I have the best friends in the world, in fact. And even though in the grand scheme of things, the amount of people who care whether I live or die isn't worth sneezing at, that's not what matters. What matters is that in the grand scheme of things, the one Being who cares the most is the One who holds me in his embrace every day. And He won't forget me, even if that five-year-old boy, who stole my heart one night with his sweet little smile, does.

     So I won't dwell on the forgetting -- I'll dwell on the remembering. Because even an introvert can have good times, and I really have had a lot of 'em. The good times can't be taken away. I'll always have those, because even if everyone else forgets, as long as I remember, they won't really be gone.


there:

And also...maybe it's just the prerogative of a seventeen-year-old girl to feel Wanted. I'm not different than the next girl in that respect. I want to feel wanted (and not just by Hunter Hayes). It's an empty feeling not to be wanted by anyone. Especially when you really want them to notice you -- to be your friend -- to look your way -- to remember you.


     So yesterday evening, after the wedding, I had to go perform in something at church. After that was done I drove home, taking comfort in the softness of the darkness, the feel of the steering wheel, of finally being all alone after a day of 'peopling'. I was listening to my new Josh Turner CD, but I kept flipping back and forth between the CD and the country station on the radio because, you know, Cole Swindell's You Should Be Here could come on any minute and I didn't want to miss that. So I was doing that, waiting for the stupid ads to end and more music to come on, but the ads just kept going so I just pushed CD again and let the next song come on. The next song, which happened to be Josh Turner's I Was There.



I'm always around
I was then and I am now
And I'll be here when tomorrow comes
When your road comes to an end
I'm where you start again
I'm never farther than a word away
You'll always have a friend


     You want to know something? Josh Turner is a messenger from God.

    This is what God was telling me. I'll be here when tomorrow comes. Even when others leave, He stays. You've always got a friend. He wants to be my friend; I don't have to worry about him not wanting me around, or wishing I'd go away. He wants me. I am wanted.

     So, as I listened to that song, I did the logical thing and started crying.

     (Actually, I started sobbing.)

     Because it helped. It helped to hear Josh Turner sing those words, it helped to feel God's love wash over me, and it helped to pour out all the sadness that had piled up inside me by just letting myself go for a moment. And it helped that it was dark, because there's just something about darkness that makes it easier to let things out.

     After that, I felt better. I felt loved. I remembered.

Coming home

     I don't know if I'll ever get over my introverted-ness. (Probably not, heh.) But I hope I'll learn to be okay with that part of myself, because maybe if I can do that, I'll be able to overcome it. I know I'll never be a social butterfly, and I'll never be one of those girls who flocks people to them and makes friends everywhere she goes.

    But that doesn't really matter. It hurts sometimes, but it doesn't really matter. I'm me, and I'll be okay, because I do have friends, and I have a Friend who will never forget me.

:-)

{Wow, I actually hit publish! Tell you the truth, I didn't think we'd make it. ;-P}

50 comments:

  1. Ohhhh, Emma. -gives you a big hug-

    I loved getting this peek into your heart. Honest. I feel for you. I've experienced all the emotions you talked about. I've felt alone, I've felt forgotten by friends, and I've felt fed up with myself. Although I do enjoy social functions (most...), I do think I'm mostly introverted and so I can relate to how you feel.

    I used to worry SO much about what other people thought of me. I still do. But, I HAVE gotten better. I've grown in my self confidence and I'm SO thankful to God for that. He's helped me so much. Confidence is truly a beautiful thing-confidence in Christ and confidence that I am beautiful and special just the way God made me. And that I don't have to worry so much when I say something stupid or awkward or do something klutzy....because everyone has those moments, and usually they only seem like "big" things to myself. ;)

    And yes....the part about forgetting. Friendships-or perhaps even what we thought were friendships-can be very difficult sometimes, can't they? I feel very blessed by the real-life and blogging friends God has brought into my life! But, there was a time where I felt like a "lost" a friendship due to varied circumstances...and that they didn't even realize it. I still keep in contact with that friend, but it's just not the same as it was. And it never will be. It's sad and it was VERY hard at the time, but I can now look back and see God's hand through it all.

    Thank you for introducing me to that new Josh Turner song. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. And wow...that is an amazing testimony. Isn't it wonderful how God can use the littlest things to speak to us?! I'm so happy that you feel better. :)

    I have to wrap this comment up now, but I love this post, Emma! You had me tearing up more than once. You are so gifted with words. Thank you for sharing this with us. :) I hope you count me as one of your friends. I certainly will never forget you-and all of the other wonderful girls I've met through blogging! You all have been such a blessing to me. :)

    Oh, one more thing. It is totally okay if you are never a social butterfly. God didn't want you to be one! Introverts and extroverts have different strengths and weaknesses and the world would be such a boring, dull place if we all were one or the other.

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    1. Natalie -- *returns hug* -- you really are such a dear. I most certainly do count you as one of my good friends, as I hope you count me! I'm so glad we can be a blessing to each other. :-)

      Confidence...ahhh, it can be so elusive, can't it? ;-P As I get older, and sort of "grow into" myself, I'm learning what it really means. But oh, it's a process.

      You're welcome! It's my favorite song at the moment. It's actually helped me get through tough times more than once.

      I agree! As my favorite character in Copperhead says, "It takes all kinds to make a world."

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    2. Aww, thank you! I certainly do count you as one of my good friends! Thank you for your kind words!!

      Oh, I so agree. It's a process, indeed.

      That's a great quote! :D

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  2. Very wonderful post Emma. These things you talk about are very real and also very common. You are not alone! I also want to let you know that extroverts, such as myself, run into a whole slew of other problems and sometimes wish we could be more like you! God Bless you!

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    1. Yes, I'm sure it's not just introverts who have the issues. ;-P Oh, thank you! God bless you too.

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  3. Oh wait, I'm bad at writing deep profound comments.

    This was beautiful, Emma! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

    rockandminerals4him.wordpress.com

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    1. Thank you. :-) And you're welcome -- I'm glad it meant something to you.

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  4. Ohhh... EMMA. (Seriously HOW like how? Darn it girl, you did it again! You couldn't have written anything better suited to what I needed right now.)

    It's crazy, because I've been going through a big emotional strain too, and I actually also broke down in sobbing the other night, because I just HAD TO LET IT OUT. I was a mess. I didn't have a song, on that night when I was feeling horribly low, I had a little phrase come to my mind. It inspired me to write out something, and to clear my head, and just think straightly. (I'll tell you about it in my email.) But this song is so perfect.
    Your words fit my struggle though, also, because crazily enough, I was struggling with something very similiar to you. :)

    I can be afraid, just like that too, Emma. I've lost friendships (often times brief friendships, yes, but I value each friendship so much, it's a big deal for me) and it hurts that they forget. Because the pain of being forgotten, and feeling lonely, is awfully real.

    I love remembering particularly good times, too. :) I often go through every single little detail of the best days, remembering every facial expression, action and word. It's basically reliving it in my head.

    Haha, and I've definitely had a great desire to be wanted, in fact, that was always something I'd long for. To be wanted - to make a difference to somebody; a big difference.

    This comment is all mumble jumble and I just CAN'T get what's in my heart and head into words, so I won't even try.
    Thanks for the post, old girl. I love your heart to heart talks. <3

    ~Miss Meg

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    1. From what you said in your email, it sounds like you've been dealing with much the same thing! I'm glad this is what you needed -- it's what I needed to do, so that worked out nicely. ;-) And oh my goodness, I read what you sent to me....and, well, I'll write to you soon so I'll save it for then.

      Same here; I don't have a whole ton of close friends, so the ones I do have I value fiercely. Sometimes it hurts to feel like you care more than they do. But many times they're not even thinking of hurting me at all and it's just my overblown feelings that I've got to calm down. ;-)

      That's okay, I don't mind jumbly comments. You're welcome -- and thank YOU for...well, just for being you and for being a friend I can count on.

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  5. Emma, I completely understand that feeling. (I'm so much more an introvert than I realise sometimes.) Sometimes I have no clue who I am in a crowd. :-P

    And I SOO know that feeling of listening to 'just the right song' and just crying over it. :-) I'm sorry for your introverted problems, dear... I really am.

    I do think there are many more introverts than you think, though. And that there were other people putting up a show in that wedding. You really are not alone in this.
    (And you will always have friends. You're too awesome not to have 'em. Just sayin'.)

    Stay strong! <3 *hugs*
    ~ Naomi

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    1. Naomi -- well, what can I say, you've heard everything. ;-) I'm glad we can share this; not glad that you struggle too, but glad we can struggle together rather than alone. *hugs*

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  6. *hugs* I totally get how you feel! I had a moment like that at uni.. thankfully my dear friend Gil-er Rory hugged me close and was like "You know you're you and no one is completely you.. remember that.." let me tell you I wanted to just hug him tighter.. but it's true.. everything you said especially about God. AMEN!
    have a lovely day!
    ~Ev

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    1. Evie, thanks. :-) Oh, how special. I know what you mean -- things like that might not make the hurt disappear, but they definitely make the journey easier.

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  7. Hi, Emma!

    I was scrolling through my blogger feed and the title of this post really caught me, namely because I read "Josh Hutcherson" instead of "Josh Turner." (oops LOL.) But I read it and I want you to know that I totally get you. I am a complete introvert though and through. And sometimes, I hate myself for it. But God always reminds me that He made me this way, and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

    And, by the way, I LOVE Josh Turner. Surprisingly enough, I've never heard this song, and I love it!

    Thanks for opening up your heart -- I know how hard that can be!

    Mary Shelley Reid
    The Reid Who Writes

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    1. Mary Shelley, I'm glad you dropped by! (Heehee, even if you were disappointed I wasn't talking about Josh Hutcherson.) I know -- sometimes I hate that part of my personality too, and I just want to throw it away and be rid of it and be like everybody else. But that's not how God made me. He made me like this for some reason, and I've got to content myself with learning how to embrace it.

      Yay for Josh Turner love! ;-) Oooh, and I'm glad I could introduce you to this song. (Cuz it's GREAT.)

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  8. Oh, I feel ya, Emma! Being introverted makes this teen girl all the more awkward. ;) Thank God, He is always there! <3

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    1. Faith, exactly. Thank goodness He is patient and understanding with our blunders!

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    2. (By the way -- I know this is random -- but I remembered you liked Dan and Shay. Have you heard their new song 'From the Ground Up'? It's SO gorgeous.)

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    3. Amen, sister! :)

      No, I have not heard that song (I haven't 'faithfully' listened to country music in months), but I just looked it up and it sounds SO SUPER GORGEOUS. :D Thanks, Emma! *goes to look up the YouTube version*

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  9. Oh, dear Emma. You are NOT alone. I can SO relate to this. I don't think introverts are as scarce or weird as you think. I'm one, and so are a good number of my siblings. I've never been popular, or made lots of friends. At the present moment if you were to ask me how many friends I had (as in personal friends who come over to see me specifically) I'd have to say "none." I'm horrible at making conversation with people, horrible at opening up and being vulnerable because I always get the sense that nobody "really" cares to know what I think or feel. I can have a fun conversation with someone one day, but then it rarely goes beyond that. And I don't know why. Sometimes I think it's because I have too high a standard of what a "real" friendship should be, and so I'm never satisfied with anything less. (Really, that does seem like a logical idea at times.)

    Anyway, I know EXACTLY what you mean about not feeling wanted. I feel that a lot, too. "It's an empty feeling not to be wanted by anyone. Especially when you really want them to notice you -- to be your friend -- to look your way -- to remember you." Ouch, yes. I know. I know. It's hard, too, because I know I should be making effort myself to get to know people, and yet I just can't seem to do it. It's too awkward to walk up to someone randomly and say "Hi, my name is ----. What's yours?" with no specific reason for addressing them. I'm scared of what they will think if I try to make conversation, and yet it's really a silly fear because they must want to be noticed as much as I do. Why would they think badly of me for wanting to talk to them? (Seriously, I'm delighted when someone wants to talk to me, why wouldn't they be, too?) Perhaps just thinking about the other person instead of yourself might give you the confidence that you lack, though I won't say I know this from experience because usually I can't get past the thought of how scared I am. Heh. :/ (My other problem is that half the time I don't really CARE to get to know people. It's just too much work... I know that's a really bad attitude.)

    Another thought I just had (because it's so important for you to know all these random thoughts going through my head! Haha! :P). Quite often the people around us appear to be fully confident and outgoing, and yet we'd be surprised by how insecure they really are. Believe it or not, some people TALK when they're nervous (weird, right?...haha) and so it comes off as being outgoing when really they're as uncomfortable as the silent person sitting alone in the corner.

    (I KNEW this was too long. Sorry, I'm going to have to split it into two comments.)

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  10. Also, I think it does get easier to talk to people as you get older. At least for me, I feel much more at ease around people I don't know than I used to, and I feel like I am now a fairly good conversationalist (not good at starting a conversation, just comfortable enough to keep it going once it's started without feeling totally awkward). I'm still not great at making friends, but at least I don't feel totally uncomfortable in a crowd of people.

    Sorry for talking your ear off. I'm afraid I didn't say anything very helpful, but I just want you to know that I care about you, Emma. You are such a sweet person and though we've never met in person I really value your friendship.

    Oh and about that song! I love those moments when a song touches you deeply and your heart just explodes, and all the tears and sadness come pouring out to be replaced by a peaceful and happy calm. God is so good to us. It's amazing how often we get down and yet how He's always there, picking us back up. :)

    Again, sorry for the length of this comment. I feel like I was sort of rambling. It's just really hard to convey how much I understand the feelings you talked about in this post. THANK YOU so much for sharing your heart with us. And just remember, we all feel lonely at times. I think the real reason for that is because of our deep, inner longing to be fully known; and that's a longing that will only be satisfied when we stand face to face with our Creator.

    *Hugs*

    ~Miss March

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    1. Miss March,

      GAAAAAH YOU'RE SO KIND JUST STOP. ;-P

      Really. Thanks for your comment! And don't apologize for talking my ear off -- everything you said I appreciate and it warmed my soul. It's good to know you understand, and it's good we can encourage each other!

      Oh, thank you! I value your friendship too. :-) I know, sometimes I wonder if my "standard" of friendship is too high, and that's why people don't seem to want to be around me. Sometimes I do have to let my guard down, and let people see me, but on the other hand I don't need to compromise just to be someone's friend. You're right: we should be us, and cherish the friendships God sends our way.

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  11. Oh Emma!
    My heart just broke a little.
    It's OK dear! You know, there are good parts to both having an iron will, and to caring what people think. Being a bit self conscious is good for personal improvement and growth. After all, no one wants to be a fool, blind to what others think. But above what others think (for others may be fools themselves), hold yourself to the standard your own conscience and character demand.
    As for not feeling comfortable as an introvert, I'm so sorry! But I have a feeling that you'll find your "groove" sooner than you think. I'm a weird combination of extrovert and introvert myself, so you're not alone in this inner-turmoil!
    I just listened to the Josh Turner song, and loved it! What a great message!
    You might like some of videos by Blimey Cow about introverts. Here's one: https://youtu.be/FwudkKF7I20
    As far as I can tell, you are a wonderful, kind, and inspiring person, and I doubt I'll forget you! :) Don't forget to have confidence in sunshine (and in rain)! :)
    With friendship,
    Abby

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    1. Abby -- first of all, I didn't mean to break your heart. ;-) But thank you so much for what you said. You're right, it's no good to be callous and blind to what others think...on the other hand, it's not up to the people around you how you act. My identity is in Christ; He is the standard I should follow.

      I have found my "groove", actually, in various different outlets (blogging being one of them), it's just that sometimes I'll be in a place where I feel so out-of-it. That's when it's tough to be me. ;-P But everyone has their ups and downs; everyone has their different "inner-turmoils". We're all really in this together. :-)

      Isn't it great? My current favorite song. (That, and Carrie Underwood's 'Don't Forget to Remember Me'. OH MY HEART.)

      Oh -- *tears up* -- that means so much to me that you'd say that. I'm glad. :-) Thanks for being such a sweet and encouraging friend!

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  12. I feel you, girl :) I'm an INTJ and socializing is TOUGH.

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    1. Socializing is the bane of my existence. I don't know what INTJ means, but whatever it is I probably am one too. ;-P

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    2. It's one of the sixteen basic personality types in the Myers Briggs personality thing-ma-jig. (Quoting my sister here. You can look it up.) Basically, it means I'm an introvert. :)

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  13. AMEN.

    AMEN.

    AND AMEN.

    Emma, I don't even know where to start. You have no idea how deeply I connected with this (or maybe you do, since you wrote it). My heart just cried with this post, because I experience the same things so often. (Weddings are the worst, man.)

    Sitting in a room full of people, if no one's next to you--it's hard, because I want to be left to myself in some ways, but in others, I don't want to be alone, not if I'm around other people.

    "Because the truth is, I am afraid. I'm afraid of what people think. (There, I said it.) I don't want to be this way, but it's the way I am and I'm still looking for a way to get over it. I'm afraid of losing people -- I have had so many friendships that flourished for a season, or a day, or even just a few hours, that meant so much to me while they lasted but then fizzled out after we said goodbye. See, I'm afraid of being forgotten -- I still care, but they don't.

    I don't want to be forgotten.

    I long to be remembered."

    THAT IS SO ME. I know exactly how you feel. Like, after a week-long Christian camp, I'll leave and be an emotional wreck inside. I'll feel like the Fellowship of the Ring just disbanded, but it doesn't seem like that big a deal to other people, and it's HARD SOMETIMES. Life, you know? It's hard to think that people who changed your life in someway probably don't remember you that well.

    Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, even though so many other people are as well, that you are not alone, and that I really, really appreciate this post. And I'm pretty durn positive that I can promise you in the eyes of The Lord that, barring brain-washing or contracting mental illness, I'll never forget you, EVER. (Did that sound creepy? I hope not...)

    Thank you for this, darlin'. Keep fighting the good fight. There are many more introverts like us than we realize, I'm sure--we just have to look harder.

    Praise be The Lord, Who will never, ever leave us, nor forsake us, no matter what.

    Praying blessings on your night/morning, my dear friend! <3

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    1. Oh, Olivia -- *collapses on shoulder* -- I think we get each other. ;-) YES YES to all you said. I know. It's really hard. I don't know what to say, except that I feel ya. And it's such a huge comfort to know there's someone else in the boat with you!

      God WILL never leave us, no matter what. That's the truth I'm holding on to. :-)

      And oh my goodness, thank you so much for that. Seriously, it's making my heart well up with joy. I think I can promise you I'll never forget you either -- you're much too memorable. ;-)

      Gosh, I'm so blessed to have such an amazing friend!

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  14. All the comments here in the comment section are randomly warming my heart. :-P

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  15. Emma Jane, I know JUUUUUSSSST how you feel--honestly, I do. I've always been an introvert--and a shy one on top of that--and it's HARD. But don't ever, ever, EVER let it make you feel "weird" or "inadequate." It's not something you have to "get over." It's who you ARE . . . and it's perfectly okay. You don't have to like parties (I don't.) You don't have to plan a million social engagements (I don't.) You don't have to be an expert at face-to-face interaction (I'm not.) I mean, yeah, it's important to have friends . . . but introverts can find friends, too! We just go about it differently--and, like I said, it's okay.

    So yeah, bottom line: Don't worry about being a normal teenager. (I wasn't, and I survived.) Just be YOU, and you'll be fine.

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    1. Jessica, really? You seem like such a bubbly fearless person on the internet! I wouldn't have imagined that you were shy. ;-P That's true, what you said -- you shouldn't have to "get over" it. I guess what I'm struggling with is embracing it -- dealing with it. I am who I am and that's that. Thanks for backing me up. ;-)

      Heehee, well, I know I'll never be a normal teenager. It's good to know I'll survive!

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    2. Awwww, Emma, thank you--I like being described as bubbly and fearless! But nope, I really am a shy introvert in real life. Not when I'm with friends--but when I'm with people I don't know well, then it's really HARD. I'll have moments when I've just arrived at a party and my legs are literally shaking because I'm just that scared of all the new people.

      And even though I do enjoy social functions--at least sometimes--I'm always completely exhausted by the end of them. I need to go be in my room alone and just "recharge" for a long while. I'm like all introverts--I need my thinking space, and if I don't have that, I get tired really easily.

      I don't have a ton of close friends, either . . . and most of my really close friends (outside the family) all live far away. I used to feel bad because I felt like I SHOULD make friends more easily--but I've since realized that it's okay. However slow or fast I make friends, it's all good, because it's part of who I am.

      And the same goes for being an introvert. I think our society in general kind of tends to "put down" introverts--people are always like, you SHOULD want to go to parties! You SHOULD want a million friends! Etc., etc., etc. But if that's not who you are, then don't sweat it. After all, God made you the way He did for a reason. :-)

      Delete
  16. Emma. I really REALLY feel for you.

    SENDING YOU A GINORMOUS VIRTUAL HUG. You deserve it.

    I so know how that is.

    Sometimes I feel so alone. Would anyone notice if I fell of the face of the earth?

    I know it was probably very hard to share what you just did. But thank you. From the depths of my heart.

    It just helps to know that someone SOMEONE else feels as alone as you.

    THANK YOU <3

    -The Girl with the Gold Pen

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the virtual hug. It means a lot. ;-)

      Seriously, thanks for your comment! I know how you feel and I'm glad I could encourage you.

      Delete
  17. Ahhh, yes.

    First of all, I get what you mean with the whole teenager ups-and-downs thing. It's crazy how one minute I'm suuuper ecstatic over snow or something in Downton Abbey and the next I'm out of sorts because of something silly. The downs are annoying, but I like the ups. :)

    And what you said about weddings is totally me. I love the actual ceremony because it's happy and there's pretty music and everyone's dressed up, but I'm not overly fond of the reception.

    And the wanting to be remembered. It's sad to me when the really nice person at the piano recital, or the friendly people who visited our church, or the family who moves away after I've only got a short chance to get to know them will likely never talk to me again. In a few years, we'll probably have forgotten about each other. :(

    Being an introvert can be hard, but it has its perks, too, right(extra reading time, for example)?

    So yeah, I totally understand this. Good post! :)

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    1. Meredith, that's ironic that you mentioned Downton Abbey -- I almost wrote something in here about crying over Downton Abbey. ;-)

      Exactly, there are ups and downs. There are for everyone, introvert or not. The downs are lousy, but sometimes the ups make up for them; we've got to live through both.

      YES! Exactly -- it's such a bummer when you meet a really awesome person and you really hit it off, and then they go away and the friendship seems over, just like that. That's happened to me so many times. What I try to dwell on is the good times I've had; even if I never see that person again, the time we had together meant something.

      Thanks so much for your comment. And for reading this!

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    2. You understand!! I sobbed for a long time after Matthew died. And this is coming from the person who didn't even cry during Les Mis(the movie). The feels are too much!! :)

      Delete
    3. MATTHEW IS NOT DEAD. IT NEVER HAPPENED.

      Delete
  18. Hey Emma! I've been reading your blog for a couple of months now, and I just wanted you to know that you've encouraged and challenged me greatly. I struggle a lot with being an introvert and having bad social skills to boot.
    I actually started blogging to help with that, and it HAS helped, a bit. I'm working through things with the help of God.

    I already knew that they were other people who struggle with stuff like this, but seeing it written here has made it all the more tangible. So, from deep inside of me, thank you SO much for writing from your heart and leaking into mine.

    -Erin

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    1. Erin, glad to have you here! Make yourself at home. :-)

      Thank you for sharing your feelings -- I probably don't have to tell you that I know how you feel! No lie, it can be hard. But there are ups too, and God always knows how we feel.

      Yes, I think blogging has helped me too! It's helped me express myself through writing, absolutely, and I think my social skills are better too. (They still could use some work. ;-P)

      I'm glad I could encourage you! You've encouraged me. :-) You're welcome.

      ~Emma

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  19. Yup, I was there at 17. And sometimes at 27, too. Sometimes I still am at 36, though I've become more okay with not having someone to talk to in a room full of people. Usually. Not always. But it's not bad or wrong to be shy or introverted -- just not as easy as being out-going or extroverted, sometimes.

    So glad you had that song come on at just the right time!

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    1. So there is hope for me yet, because you seem to have turned out pretty great. ;-) I know, I am too! It made everything better. Just that realization and assurance gave me hope, and comfort, and the strength to keep going.

      Delete
    2. Hee! Well, God is good, I'll say that. Even shy, quiet, bookish, nerdy introverts can find friends and get married.

      Speaking of books... I got "A Lantern in Her Hand" out of the library! Haven't started it yet cuz I need to finish a couple other books first, but it's in my house now.

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    3. Oh, that's wonderful! I hope you'll love it. I have an inkling you will.

      Delete
  20. So, I was just clicking around on your blog and I found this. And man, I resonate SO HARD with this. I'm blinking back actual real-life tears (not the fake kind where I leave a comment and say "I'm crying!" but the real kind that make it hard to see the computer screen.) I'm not an introvert, but the feelings of caring what other people think and being afraid and sometimes feeling like "what is wrong with me?? Why can't I just pull myself out of this funk"...? those feelings I am so, so familiar with. And your story about the Josh Turner song - God had a song for me, too, called "Good Good Father." And I have also sobbed in the car and wow, in this moment I feel like we're soul sisters or something. I feel this post so, so much.
    Your honesty is compelling and awakening and your beautiful personality is warming my heart right now. Thank you 100x for sharing your story. :)

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    1. Olivia, you are warming my heart! Thank you so much for your comment!!! I so appreciate it. Sometimes when I'm reading your blog I feel like we're soul sisters too, actually. ;-P

      You're welcome! I'm glad I'm not alone in some of these struggles, and I'm glad my post meant something to you. :-)

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  21. Hello!
    I have been reading your blog for about 6 months now, but this is the first time I have commented on it – I enjoy all the posts but I am quite shy about commenting! I began to think I had to comment on this post, though, because it really meant something to me and over a month later I still think about it sometimes.
    I completely relate to this post, and whenever I now have feelings like this I try to remember that plenty of other people do too, as your post and the comments show.
    I also wanted to comment on the music you included. I had never heard of Josh Turner before, but I played the song….and then looked up other songs of his on YouTube…and now I’m hooked! Thank you for introducing me to such great songs! I Was There really ‘spoke’ to me, and my other favourites now are ‘Why don’t we just dance’ and ‘Would you go with me’. Do you have favourites? – I would love to know them because I am only just discovering what songs Josh Turner has done.
    Miss A
    (I have no bright ideas for any sort of ‘moniker’, so I was unoriginal and used my initial!)

    ReplyDelete

I'd love it if you'd drop me a line or two! I always enjoy receiving comments from readers and friends. I ask that you please keep your comments clean and God-honoring, and please don't write anything you wouldn't want your grandmother to read. Also, if you are commenting under anonymous, please do leave your name (or some sort of moniker so that you aren't totally nameless). Thank you so much and have a lovely day!

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