I write this to lay before you a very urgent request which I feel the need to express. I hope you will oblige me by considering the following.
I was very patient all through November. I accepted the sixty-degree weather with a smile and said nothing, even when you failed to show up by the end of the month. But it's December now -- you know, that month when there's supposed to be snow on the ground and in the air, making everything festive and gorgeous. I held back and didn't complain, lest you think me ungrateful, but it's time now. Time to get down to business.
I know everyone around here always complains about the snow. Those people are all loving it right now, pretending they're down south and saying over and over again how nice it is that the snow has held off this long. Well, I'll tell you something -- if I hear someone gloat over what nice weather we're having ONE MORE TIME I will combust into a million angry little pieces. You will see angry little pieces of me by the side of the road, and you'll know what happened.
Don't these people get it? Don't they see that snow is beautiful? Don't they know that without it, the whole Christmas season just isn't the same? I know, I know -- it's the driving, they say. The slippery roads, the ice, the bad visibility. Listen up; I have a solution for that. Here it is: if the weather's really THAT bad, stay in your house. That's what I read in the driver's manual. No, really. Page 126.
That's why we live here in the north -- to experience all the seasons. And in winter that means S-N-O-W. Only the hardy thrive up here, and we like it that way. If you don't like it, go move to California. Chances are I won't miss you.
Mr. Snow -- Your Whiteness -- you're a natural part of life. You are a tradition. I look forward to you every year. (And then when you come I look forward to you leaving...that's the kind of relationship we have going.) For the amount of breath people waste complaining about snow, we really don't get a lot of you. I mean, we've had a green Christmas for about four years now. I don't like it -- I repeat, I do not like green Christmases. It's not that you make Christmas, exactly -- but you do have bearing. A Christmas without snow is not a New York Christmas. I don't want to walk outside and feel like I'm in Florida. I want to feel the cold, feel the bite, the snap of the wind, breathe the freezing air, shiver in my coat.
(Did I mention that it's been so warm lately I haven't even needed to wear a coat? That's right. I've worn it anyway, of course, because I'm a stubborn Northerner and it's winter and you wear coats in winter, DUH.)
I'm trying to be polite, Mr. Snow. I understand you're very busy and have other places to be, like Alaska and Russia and Canada and Greenland. But couldn't you swing by and drop us a little bit? I'm not asking for a lot -- just a few inches or so would do just fine. Or a foot, or three. However much you can spare. I'll even pay the extra shipping to have it here by Christmas. (Wait, do you have to pay shipping for snow? I've never received it on demand before, so I don't know how this works.)
I realize there are lots of people praying for you to hold off, but I'm praying for you to come in full force. I think you'll understand that this is for the greater good of humanity, especially when I give you a few simple reasons why:
- Snow makes everything look prettier. All the fields and leafless trees look so wet and lifeless and glum and boring this time of year. If only you'd come, they'd all look happy and cheerful and bright again. Bear this in mind.
- Snow is what people around her expect in December. Without you, we don't know how to respond. That's why people keep saying it's so great there's no snow -- they can't complain, because you're not here, and they have to say SOMETHING. Secretly, they're lost without you.
- Snow puts people in a conscious Christmassy mood. With snow everywhere, you know it's Christmas cause it looks like Christmas and it feels like Christmas and it just IS CHRISTMAS. (Do you get the point, or shall I rainbow-curve that one by you again?)
- The Christmas lights in people's yards look bare. And stupid. And lonely. HAVE PITY.
- My cat Oliver keeps tracking mud into the house. What does this have to do with you, you ask? Well, if you came and froze the ground and covered it with snow, he wouldn't track any more mud on the floors.
- Snow is romantic. Those people who make marriage proposals on Christmas Eve? They want snow falling down. It adds so much to the ambiance.
- I need more practice driving in the snow. Yes, that's right. I'm probably the only person in the entire US who actually wants to drive in the snow.
Have I convinced you? I hope you see my point. We've got to have a white Christmas; we've just got to. So stop beating around the bush and start beating on the bush, and the fields, and the rooftops, and the trees and the stupid blow-up Christmas decorations in people's yards. We need you.
Please please please.
Hoping you will hear my plea and grace us with your white presence soon,
~Emma Jane Anderson
P.S. I'm not completely crazy. I only sound like I am.